


Of Swear Words and Foot Fetishes

by Errorcode254



Series: Soulmates of the Tattoo Kind [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff, High School, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 15:18:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5875834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Errorcode254/pseuds/Errorcode254
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which everyone is born with a tattoo of the first words their soul mate will say to them, and Dave's is the coolest one he's ever seen. </p><p>Until he figures out what a stand-stump is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry about the title

_“Shut your fucking food trap, you revolting stand-stump fucker”_

_There were choruses of “What's a stand-stump fucker?” trailing around the room._

_“David Strider, pull your pants down properly and go sit on the time-out chair!”_

 

Your name is Dave Strider, and you have the coolest soul mate tattoo out of all of your friends. 

You asked your Bro about it last year. You were five years old and he told you that everyone gets born with a tattoo that says the very first thing that their soul mate will say to them. And yours is definitely the coolest. Yours has cuss words in it. 

You're not really sure what all the words mean, but it has the eff-word in it which makes your soul mate the best one to ever live. And it's stuck on your leg, which is totally awesome. Bro says you have to wear jeans though, so that you don't get in trouble. 

You probably should have listened to him. 

You're sitting in the time-out chair in your classroom, grumbling to yourself. It's not your fault. Everyone was showing off their tattoos and talking about how cool they were. And you were right. Yours really is the coolest. No one else had swear words in theirs. John's was so dumb; about eating the doritos. 

The teacher's face when everyone read your tattoo was really funny, though. She went all red and you thought she'd start blowing smoke out of her ears like they do in cartoons. Or that she'd at least make a noise like a kettle. But no. Instead, she just yelled at you and sent you to the corner. 

Teachers are so stupid. 

Bro sits you down when you get home from school. He looks mad. Well, you know. You think he looks mad. You can't really tell by the look on his face, but his voice says he's at least a little bit mad. You bite your lip as he starts to scold you about ignoring what he said about keeping your pants covering the tattoo on your calf muscle. 

Tears start to form in your eyes and you're thankful for the shades that Bro gave you. You don't want to cry in front of him. Only kids cry, and you're not a kid. Bro notices your hands clenched tightly at your sides and pulls you into his lap. 

“Look, little man.” He says and kisses the top of your head. “If it were up to me, you wouldn't be in trouble for it. You can't help that it's there. But you gotta listen to me. You can't go showin' people that because you'll get into trouble for what the kids do when they see it. Got it?”

You nod and sniffle out an apology before curling against his side while he strokes your hair. 

***  


You're nine when you find out what a stand-stump is. 

You have a new student in your class and you two become pretty close. Her name is Terezi, and she's a troll. Terezi is blind and a little bit weird, but she's funny and makes you laugh. You weren't going to show her, but then you heard her use 'food trap' in a sentence and you thought she might know what 'stand stump' meant. 

You pulled her aside during lunch and whisper-asked her what it meant. She looked at you and snorted; asking why you want to know. Which lead to you dragging her through the closest door you could find. 

It's the first time you've shown anyone your tattoo since the day you got time-out. This time you make sure no one is around when you roll your pants up to the knee. You're in the janitors closet, which is kind of fitting when you remember that Terezi is blind and there's no way she could have seen it anyway. 

You're about to apologise when she licks up your leg where the tattoo is. Her face stretches into the biggest grin you've ever seen. Seriously, since when do mouths even stretch that much? Maybe it's a troll thing. She's still looking at you and it's really starting to make you uncomfortable. 

“Dave...”

“What?! Would you just tell me what a stand-stump is?” She's snickering behind her hand and it's really starting to piss you off now. 

“Feet, Dave.” She starts cackling. “Your soul mate called you a foot fucker”

Your face turns red and you run from her, not even bothering to ask about her own tattoo. You find out what hers says a week later.

You stop showing people your soul mate tattoo after that. 

The next time Terezi brings it up, you respond with a rant about how “ _of course_ I have a thing for feet. They're like hands that hold your whole body up and have little foot fingers that don't really do anything. What are they for anyway? Dunno, but they're cute as heck, that's for sure.”

She laughs, but thankfully doesn't bring it up again for a while.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the author didn't feel like translating years to sweeps. Get over it.

_“He wants to do what with his bulge?! What kind of stupid fucker did I get stuck with?”_

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you're twelve years old. You'd been given your very own husktop for your eleventh birthday and you decided you were grown up enough to figure out what your soul mate tattoo meant. You had asked Kankri when you were little, but he got pretty embarrassed and you didn't really want to know what it meant after that. 

But here you are, sitting at your husktop, staring at a translation screen, and what the fuck did you do to deserve a bulgemuncher like this? Why would he even think about putting his bulge _there_? 

You decide pretty quickly that you must be the most unlucky troll to ever exist, because _of course_ you would get stuck with a fucking human. You know it's a human because who else would think that was an appropriate thing to say to your soul mate? 

Naturally, it's you. Karkat Vantas. The asshole that can't even get a soul mate of the same species. And you're pretty sure humans don't have moirails, so you can't even hope that he fills that quadrant. You're almost certain that this is the flushed quadrant, and now you're just wondering what you did that deserves this kind of punishment. 

At least you can take comfort in the fact that the tattoo is in a position that is easily hidden. It's small, and on your ribs, written along one so that it curls around your side. It'd be quite nice, if the content were different. 

You've always been really careful not to show anyone your tattoo. Not because you were embarrassed, but because that's your soul mate. It always seemed kind of.. private. That was a part of that person that was just for you, and you didn't really want to share that with anyone. No, you're not a sap, you're just well versed in the art of romance. 

***

You move to a large school for high school, and you'd like to think you've lost some of your baby weight. You've gotten taller (5'2) and you're lean now. Not that you were fat before, you've just grown into your body. You're pretty attractive, if you say so yourself. Not that it matters when you've been moved to a school that caters to both trolls and humans, instead of the troll-only school that you had been attending. At least you shouldn't be too much smaller than a human. They aren't really as advanced as trolls in the genetic sense. They're probably as short as you, right?

Wrong. So wrong. All of the wrong. Humans are fucking giants, literally. Somewhere in their ancestry, humans reproduced with giants and now they are all at least twelve foot tall. Okay, so that _might_ be a slight exaggeration, but they are really tall. You feel like a grub in comparison to the size of the humans and trolls around you. 

You manage to make it through the day, keeping your head down and staying out of everyone's way. Your classes begin to make more sense as you start relaxing into your new school and stop worrying about getting lost or making a mistake. In a month, you even manage to make a friend. He's a little weird, but he's really helped you and you'd like to think you've helped him. It's not long before the two of you accept your pale feelings and fill your quadrant. 

Now, you don't know what you'd do without Gamzee. He's your best friend and you spend every spare minute together. The two of you are inseparable – except by things that can separate you. Like different classes, and living at different houses. But, that's what pesterchum is for, right? You're actually surprised that you haven't been caught on your phone in class yet, considering how often you check it. It's not like you slack off or anything, all your work gets finished and it's generally well done so there isn't really a problem. 

The only real thing that bothers you about this school is the human douchebag that seems to share most of your classes. Dave, you think his name is. He sits behind you and you're pretty sure it's deliberate on someone's part. Seriously. All he does is talk. The moron never shuts his mouth and after a month, it's beginning to get to you. You've tried moving seats, for some reason, he always ends up sitting right behind you, and you're starting to think he just likes to piss you off. 

You're at the end of your rope after PE. You've just finished getting changed and you're about to head out of the locker room when you almost run into him. The happy kid, you really never cared to learn his name to be perfectly honest, and Dave are standing in the doorway. They're not even doing anything. Dave is just talking shit and the kid looks like he's going to pass out from laughter. You don't even bother to listen in to what they're saying. 

“For the love of fuck.” You whisper, to no one in particular.

“Shut your fucking food trap, you revolting stand-stump fucker”, you practically yell it at him as you go to storm past him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we finally find out what kk has tattooed on his ribs. And dave rants. Like.. a lot. Also, kk is hella cute.

_”Shut your fucking food trap, you revolting stand-stump fucker!”_

“I'd much prefer my dick in your mouth than between your toes.” The sentence is out of your mouth before you even completely register what it was that he said. 

Your eyes widen behind your shades as you watch him freeze mid-step. His face turns an impossible shade of red and you can see his jaw clench. 

“Woah, shit man. I think-”

“Of course. Of fucking course. It had to be Dave _fucking_ Strider. Captain Bulgelick of Nookstain mountain. Of all the shitty humans on this godforsaken planet, it _had_ to be Dave Strider. Why? No, seriously. Tell me what I did to deserve you? What did I fuck up so royally that it resulted in Sergeant Penis Envy being my soul mate?”

You've gotta give him props. The guy gets colourful when he's shocked. Or maybe he's just mad. 

“Calm down dude, you're louder than Optimus Prime jerking off. Or I imagine so at least. Do Transformers jerk off? It'd be difficult, and they'd end up with oil like everywhere. I dunno if the jerking off itself would be loud, but I'm assuming Optimus would be. He'd be honking his horn right up till climax. And what kind of leader would he be if he didn't finish with 'Autobots, roll out', because you know, consistency. Besides, grumpy, how would you know if I have penis envy. I might have the biggest dick in this school. In fact, I probably do. So big I _would_ use it as a scarf, except that I'd choke every time you walked past. Sergeant Penis Envy is a great name though. Mind if I borrow it?”

You made him angrier. His hands are closing into fists and you're pretty sure he's actually going to take a swing at you. Which is something you should probably avoid with your soul mate. Luckily, he seems to think the same thing and takes two deep breaths before unclenching his fists and looking at you. When he's calm enough to speak without yelling he continues his rant.

“Just shut up for two fucking minutes, okay? Did you know I was your soul mate? You've been sitting behind me in like every class we have together and all you do is try to piss me off. Honestly, I should have known it was you, because only you would be asshole enough to think about your bulge anywhere near your soul mates stand-stumps-”

You see the moment he realises that the tattoo on his body was caused by what he said to you in the first place. Honestly, the way his voice stops and he stumbles over the next few sounds to fall out of his throat. It's a beautiful thing. 

“Can I see yours?” It's a request that you haven't heard in a while and you're taken aback for a moment while you watch him. 

“I dunno, man. Usually I like to have dinner before I start taking off my clothes. I wanna be treated like a lady, y'know.” You can't help yourself. You say it even as your roll your pants up to show him the tattoo on your calf. It's changed slightly. This morning it was a plain capitalised text, printed on the inside of your muscle. Now, it's been adjusted, almost like someone made it fancy. There's new sharp edged swirls added around the letters, like blades. Sharp angles have joined the fray and it almost looks like the letters have changed in font to accommodate it. 

He lifts his shirt almost instinctively and you almost feel like you should look away, but you're kind of entranced by the situation. You can tell by the look on his face that the small tattoo on his ribs has changed too. It looks similar to yours with the swirls and angles added to the letters, except that his is mostly in smaller letters in a way that mirrors your own talking style. Well, you assume that if you could see your spoken words as a text, his tattoo is almost exactly how they'd look. And from the three things that he's said to you, you figure that the same can be said for him and your own tattoo. 

You almost step forward to touch his tattoo when John coughs and brings you back to the moment. 

You grab his hand, uncaring of your next lessons or the fact that you're leaving John in your wake, and drag him to the closest bench to sit and talk it out. 

If Karkat is your soul mate.. You think you can be okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> send me pairing suggestions at nopethefuckout.tumblr.com


End file.
